“all of my boyfriend’s close friends are girls…”

dear apricot,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for over 2 years. We have a lot in common and we have so much fun together. I love spending time with him and I consider him my best friend. We often talk about the future and getting married and having kids someday. However, there is one thing about our relationship that really worries me. All of his close friends are girls, including his childhood best friend.

I get upset and jealous when he goes out to see a movie with her, or when he spends time alone with her. Is that normal? I’ve told him and he knows that it bothers me. A lot of my friends don’t think its right that he spends time alone with another girl, even though she is his best friend. I have no idea what to do about the situation, but it really upsets me. Should I try and learn to change? It’s not like he spends more time with her than me. I don’t want to spend the feeling this way and hoping that with time she will fall out of the picture, but I don’t want to lose out on what I have with him. We have such a good time together and we love each other.

— anonymous.

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Anonymous,

To answer your first question: YES, it is very normal for you to feel a tinge of jealousy & disturbance when your boyfriend is hanging out with another woman. I know there are some women out there who don’t think twice about their lovers having a close female friend, but those kinds of women are rare. It would personally bother me to know that my husband was hanging out with a girl friend of his, going to movies alone & such, even if they were childhood friends. This is only my personal opinion, though.

I think it’s great that you’ve talked to your boyfriend about this; it shows that the both of you have an open communication with each other, & that he is aware that this is bothering you. But I can only wonder how it makes HIM feel to know that you are affected by his spending time with his best girl friend, & what he is doing about it. You guys have been together for over two years; I would hope that he is putting YOU on a higher pedestal than any of his friends, man or woman. Because this is the man you want to marry; this is the man you would like to have children with. You should be his number one focus, his number one priority, & above all, his number one best friend. & with all of that said, I don’t know how appropriate it is for him to be hanging out with her alone.

I don’t think you should “change,” per se. But I DO think you should set some standards with your boyfriend about your relationship. You owe it to yourself to do that. If your conversations have been light in the past about this situation, I would suggest making it a bigger deal now. (After all, you’ve invested two years of your life with him.) Perhaps you should tell him in a firm way — if you haven’t already — that you can’t help but feel weird about this, & would prefer that things change, or else your relationship is going to continue to suffer. Your boyfriend certainly owes you that respect.

You could tell him — again, if you haven’t already — that from now on, when they “hang out” that you would like to join them; no more of this hanging out alone stuff. If his friend has a boyfriend of her own, perhaps you could make it into a double date; that would be ever better! Make him understand that by doing these little things, he is ultimately showing YOU & your relationship respect.

Unfortunately, you cannot tell your boyfriend straight out “It’s me, or her!” I mean, you can tell him that… but I wouldn’t recommend it. It sounds like he & his friend are very close, & I have a feeling that she isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. You’ll have to make the most of this situation, & perhaps try to have a relationship with her, as well. Maybe the two of you could grab coffee sometime & talk woman to woman. Maybe she could be the one to reassure you that there is nothing you should be worried about. By having a talk with her, & telling her in a polite way that it’s bothering you, maybe she’ll understand & back off a little bit. Because I’m sure that if it were the other way around (that her boyfriend was your best friend) she would be feeling uncomfortable with it, too. After all, she is a woman, too!

I have a feeling that your boyfriend loves you very much, so I don’t see him not understanding where you are coming from with this. Continue to be patient with him, though. I’m sure it is not easy for him, either. This is a girl that has been in his life for a long time, & I’m sure he’s having trouble determining where his loyalty should lie. Continue to tell him how much you understand that their relationship is precious, because I know you don’t want to take that away from him. But also let him know that the basis of which they “hang out” needs to change, if only to respect you & the relationship you have with him.

I hope all of this make sense. Please keep me updated on what happens from here on out. I have an optimistic feeling that things will go very well.

— apricot.

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