“he cheated, & I still have a hard time trusting him…”

dear apricot,

I have been dating this guy for two years but we have been friends for 7 years. During these two years, he’s cheated on me but I forgave him, and now things are 100% better. But, even so, I still have a hard time trusting him. I think that my assumptions are preventing us from moving forward. Do I need to move on with my life? And if I decide to continue to stay in this relationship, how do I get over the hurt?

— anonymous.

______________________________

Anonymous,

I think you will always have a hard time trusting him. There will always be that voice in the back of your mind that incessantly worries about where he is, what he’s doing, & if he’s being honest with you. But be assured that that voice will quiet with time & healing… if you let it happen this way.

You just have to continue to keep moving forward, & don’t beat yourself up for still not being able to trust him fully. It’s absolutely natural that you are still struggling with trusting him. Continue to tell yourself that your feelings are rational. Accept those feelings as the way it’s g0ing to be for a while. By accepting those feelings & releasing them, you are moving forward. Just don’t dwell too much on those feelings.

There is no way for you to just “get over the hurt.” It’s going to take a lot of time & forgiveness, so don’t rush the process. Allow it to happen naturally, even if it seems like it’s taking forever. & don’t let HIM make you feel guilty for not getting over it fast enough.

If you both are committed to making this relationship work, in spite of your boyfriend’s infidelity, communication is key. Be vocal with how you are feeling; with him & within yourself. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to get angry, get angry. If you need to tell him straight out that you’re having a hard time trusting him still, tell him! Don’t stop yourself from expressing these feelings; don’t keep them locked inside. If you do, they’ll eventually turn into resentment & once the resentment sets in, it’ll be very difficult to turn it around.

Your boyfriend screwed up big time, & truthfully, HE holds the key to undoing the hurt in your relationship. He needs to continue to reassure you that his heart & head are in the right places, & that he’s not planning to go in that direction again. He needs to make an effort in letting you know that that is never going to happen again. Even if they’re just little things — like texting you a sweet message every so often when he’s out by himself, so you know he’s thinking of you — at least you’ll see the effort he’s making, & I think you’ll begin to relax. Those little confirmations of his love for you are not paranoia, or insecurity. It’s you protecting your heart.

But most importantly, take care of yourself, first & foremost. If you still fearful & you can’t shake it, or if you’re constantly on edge, even after trying to communicate your feelings, it might be time to go your separate ways. Maybe not forever, but enough time to allow you to clear your head. & you won’t be giving up, per se, by taking a break. If anything, you will be looking out for yourself.

I hope you begin to start finding piece, with whatever decision you make.

— apricot.

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