“is it possible to love two people at the same time?”

dear apricot,

I’m in a difficult position and I need some advice. I have been married for almost 2 years now to the most wonderful sweet and caring husband. The last boyfriend I had before my husband was someone that I was very much in love with for almost 2 years, my first love. But that ended when he cheated on me. I rushed into the relationship with my now husband almost a month after me and the ex-boyfriend broke up, and I never really got closure from him.

Now 2 years later, I still find myself thinking about him all the time, and it doesn’t help that we live 5 minutes from each other and run into each other here and there. We never talk; just say Hi in passing. I would never do anything with him now since I’m married, but I cannot stop thinking about him. I think i still love him, but is it possible to love two people at the same time? I don’t know what to think or do.

— confused

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Confused,

You are in quite the predicament, indeed! To answer your question (is it possible to love two people at the same time?): Absolutely! Especially if you haven’t given yourself adequate time to heal from a previous relationship.

Have you since talked to your ex-boyfriend? Because people can change a lot in two years, & you are possibly in love with the man from the PAST, not the man he is today. Really think about that, because that is very important in your healing process.

In any case, whether you’ve been keeping in touch with him or not, you are married. There is no chance of you & your Ex “trying again” so to speak (& you probably don’t want to). It’s obvious, though, that you haven’t had closure in this relationship, & now is the perfect time to do that. Especially before your confusing emotions — though completely valid — take control over your decisions.

One great way you can get the closure you need is by writing your ex a letter. Write this letter to him with the intent that he will never, ever read it, or know of it. Write it & be unabashedly frank with him. Tell him how you feel about him now; tell him how much you loved him then. Tell him, most importantly, how much he hurt you when he betrayed your trust & cheated on you. Use profanities! Tell him how you really feel! Remember, he won’t see it, so it doesn’t matter if you misspell words or have run-on sentences. The reason for this letter is to get out all of the emotions you’ve trapped up inside, & finally let them go. To physically see your feelings on paper can be an amazing experience for healing. (This is a big reason why people have blogs & diaries.)

After you’ve written this letter, re-read it in its entirety. Really let those words of hurt & longing latch onto you. & then… burn it. Watch it ignite & quickly turn into ashes. By burning this letter, you are symbolically burning up all of those emotions, all of those longings, all of that hurt. This isn’t to say that you will no longer feel for him, & this isn’t to say that you will forget him for the rest of you life. This is just a symbol of letting it go.

Also, why not try talking to your husband? This might seem like a bad idea to some, but I find that whenever I am in an emotional pickle — no matter how personal — it helps so much to talk to my husband about it. After all, he is your best friend, & what you need right now is comfort. By telling your husband, you’re letting him know your inner emotions, & you can begin the healing process with someone, rather than be alone. I’m sure he’ll be very understanding, & he’ll give you the support you need to keep healing. & if you don’t feel comfortable confiding in your husband — which is perfectly understandable — you can talk to someone else you trust; perhaps your mother, a best friend, or even your own private journal. Anything to acknowledge & release those pent up feelings.

The goal isn’t to make this first love of yours disappear. (Obviously, with him living so close to you, that wouldn’t be possible.) First loves will always resonate with you, so there is no use in trying to rid your thoughts of him. What matters, though, is that you embrace those longing feelings, accept them, & let them go. This is easier said than done; I know, because I’ve been there. But it is possible.

Another thing: with first loves, we often forget about all the wrong they did us. He cheated on you! Remember that. Remember the hurt & the betrayal of his actions. Remember the pain you felt, & how much your heart was broken. Instead of focusing on all the wonderful times you had, remember the reason WHY you guys broke up. Even if you two were to get back together today, you could probably never fully trust him again. Remember that.

As far as seeing him all the time because he lives so close, you obviously can’t help that. I wouldn’t suggest avoiding him, nor would I suggest planning your outings around his. But I would suggest that you go bravely out in the world & live your life with confidence. If you see him, say hello; be polite, but keep walking. Or… if you’re feeling very courageous, & the healing process is going well, perhaps sit down & have coffee with him. Or call him. Or write him a letter & actually send it. There is nothing wrong with seeing him, or talking to him, just as long as you can keep your longing feelings at bay.

It sounds as though you are in a very stable relationship with your husband now. Above everything else, focus on that right now. Focus on the love you feel from him daily. Focus on your devotion to him, & his devotion to you. Focus on all the good times you two have together. But, most importantly, focus on the vows you stated in being his wife, until death. At this moment, that is all that matters.

Please know, too, that I know precisely how you feel. After several years of being broken up with my first love, I still have feelings of longing for him. But I have come to realize that those are only incessant thoughts; it doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to be with him, nor that I should. I’ve accepted that I will always have some sort of attachment to my first love, but I have realized that I am truly better off without him. & I know you are, too.

Take good care, & remember, time heals all wounds if you let it.

— apricot.

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Q: have you ever been in a situation where you just can’t stop thinking about an Ex? If so, how did you deal?

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