“is my virtual relationship realistic?”

dear apricot,

I like my boyfriend, and he likes me too. The only issue is that we live a Pacific Ocean apart and our relationship is basically virtual. I’ve never been in such a relationship before, and lately, in the natural cool-down time in this relationship (after 3-4 months), with less passion and craziness, I’ve come to really recognise that we probably won’t last another three years until I can visit him; not to mention all the following obstacles after that. I don’t want to regret anything by rashly ending our relationship, nor do I wish to hurt a genuinely awesome boyfriend. This is not an issue of safety and hidden identities, for we have known each other for two years before getting together. We also see and hear each other through Skype.

But realistically, is there any point in prolonging a virtual relationship like this?

— Cheryl.

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Cheryl,

I can understand your concerns here. Online relationships can be very tricky, & it can be hard to feel like the relationship is “real” when you’re only conversing through a computer. Especially in your case, when you say that you won’t get a chance to meet face to face for three years (if I understood that correctly).

It sounds like you guys are pretty devoted to each other, & that you enjoy each other’s company. I can’t help but wonder if, though, that in several months or even longer, you’ll grow tired of having a relationship with someone you cannot be with face to face, physically. I’m not saying that these kinds of relationships aren’t possible, because I know they are. Military wives & girlfriends, specifically, do it all the time. They understand the relationship they have with their loved one is very, very limited. They may never seem them again. But just because something is doable — & I’ve been there, as far as the military relationship goes — doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

I suppose what I’m trying to say here is that… your well being needs to come first. You seem to be having doubts about where this relationship of yours is heading, & I don’t blame you. In the next few months to come, it’s going to get harder & harder. You’re going to keep falling for him, & soon your feelings will be stronger than ever before. & then you’ll really be in a jam, because you’re in love with someone that doesn’t technically exist… until you can see him. & that won’t be for a long, long time.

One of the key elements in any relationship is communication; it’s obvious that you guys have got that down. But there are other things that are dire in relationships. Physical touch & intimacy, quality time, enjoying doing activities together. Without those things, a relationship can seem very incomplete. You need those things. I just worry that the deeper you get into this relationship, the more you’ll begin to convince yourself that those things aren’t that important. & they are; they really are.

If seeing each other before your three year mark is absolutely impossible, then I might consider rethinking the relationship. This is after having said everything I just said, of course. Ultimately, though, I cannot be the one to tell you if you should get out of a relationship or not. You must follow your heart with this one. But I do feel like you need to be thinking long term about this. Can you see yourself establishing a relationship solely online for the next three years? Can you see yourself watching your friends go out with their lovers — to movies, to dinner, celebrating their anniversaries — without feeling like you’re somehow missing out? Can you continue to allow your feelings to grow for a person that you cannot physically see or touch? If you waver in the process of answering these questions… then I think you know what you need to do.

There is no right or wrong answer… just the one that is best for YOU.

I hope this makes sense to you. & I wish you the best.

— apricot.

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