“I want to spice up my sex life with my long-time boyfriend…”
dear apricot,
So, I have a bit of an awkward one to ask you… My boy and I have been together since I was 17 and he 18. Now that I’m older I’ve become much more interested in spicing up our sex life. Problem is, I don’t know how to do this without feeling like an idiot, because we have known each other for so long! I would even feel funny buying sexy underwear. How do I show him that I’m a woman now and not just a girl?
— anonymous.
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Anonymous,
I don’t think you should be too worried about whether or not he thinks you’re a woman now. I think he already KNOWS that you are no longer an awkward teenager [smiles]. But going out of your comfort zone to sort of change things up in your relationship can feel funny (& that’s normal).
Stick to this one rule: Don’t do anything that makes you feel fake or uncomfortable. I think a lot of women make the mistake of buying complicated lingerie that rides up in all the wrong places, or they act a certain way they feel would be most pleasing to their men. (I thoroughly blame Cosmopolitan magazine!) But you should always remember that he loves you for YOU. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be with you. Your quirks excite him. So play them up, & don’t change yourself.
With that said, there are many things you can do if you’re looking for small things to do to bring an element of surprise in the bedroom! One thing I would suggest is some sexy apparel. I know you said you feel funny about buying sexy things, but a little lace goes a long way! Buy some cute little black shorts, & find a pretty lacy black cami to match. There are even nightgowns that have sex appeal, but aren’t overwhelming. It doesn’t have to be kinky. What matters most is that it makes you feel like a woman, & that it’s comfortable. Try to find something to wear to bed that would express YOUR personal style that leaves you feeling beautiful & confident. I know your boyfriend would appreciate the gesture.
Another subtle way to spice things up is to give your bedroom a makeover. Make your bedroom your own private love nest. Decorate the room with little tealight candles; put some red silk scarves over the lampshades to dim the lights a bit, & give the room a soft glow; buy some comfortable bed dressings, like blankets & pillows; spray your favorite perfume on the sheets; put some love-filled poetry by the bedside to read to each other (I highly recommend E.E. Cummings). If you’re feeling ultra brave, by some erotic literature for couples! My husband & I read Lonnie Barbach’s books, which are not degrading to women & are very romantic.
These things are simple & inexpensive, but make a world of difference. It creates more of an intimate feel, & you guys will be able to feed off of that during the night.
Another awesome tip: Take a bath together! I think people often underestimate the sexiness & intimacy of taking a bath together. All you need is a bathtub, a few candles, & conversation. Whatever happens after that is solely up to you.
Try to get rid of the notion that you have the be, by Cosmopolitan magazine’s standards, a adventurous sex kitten for your man. Those views are not healthy & are often completely unrealistic. Stick with what is natural to you, your body, & your relationship. I know that whatever you decide to do to help spice up your relationship will be a good decision & will make your lover happy.
Have fun!
— apricot.
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