“my boyfriend is going through a hard time in his life…”

dear apricot,

My boyfriend of almost 4 years is currently going through a hard time in his life. He doesn’t have a stable job, and he confessed to me that he is actually lost. This situation affects our relationship a lot. I, on the other hand, am doing pretty good with work and school. My boyfriend is proud of my achievements and supports me a lot. When I decided to go abroad for a  6 month internship, he supported me and let me go, although we knew it was going to be hard for us to be apart. But right now, all we do is fight, and I am so frustrated. We can’t really move on with our life together, because he’s still trying to figure out what to do with his own life.

I’m being hard on him, and I hate the way I can be so mean to him sometimes. I just don’t know how to help him. I don’t know if I can wait any longer until his situation improves. It’s stressing me out, because I love him so much and I don’t see myself with anyone else.

What should I do?

— anonymous.

_______________________________

Anonymous,

Your boyfriend IS going through a tough time right now. I think he’s trying to find his niche in life, & depending on how he’s progressing in that direction, it could take him a long time before he figures it out. I know the pace he’s moving at is frustrating you, but I think the only thing you can do is be patient with him.

I think this is even harder for him, being a man. For men, there’s this preconceived notion that they have to have it all together; they have to be the providers & the bread winners. But he isn’t a robot! Everyone is different, & some people aren’t born knowing what they should with their lives. He’s trying to figure things out right now & I think, more than ever, he needs your support & understanding. It’s great that you’ve had so many successes & that you’ve got an idea of what you want to do with your life. But your boyfriend is a different person. He’s trying to figure out his own passions & desires. Just like he has supported you during your high times — & I’m sure he’s supported you during your lowest of lows — you should be there for him, too. Try not to make him feel guilty for what he is going through right now. It’s absolutely normal for him to feel lost & unsure. It’s life.

Maybe you guys could put your heads together & think of ways to get his creative juices flowing. Read some self-discovery books together. (I strongly recommend the book Style Statement which, believe it or not, isn’t meant just for women.) Go on long walks together & talk about his dreams. Ask him questions to get his mind thinking. Maybe YOU can be his source of inspiration for finding his calling.

But above all, the one way you can help him is to continue to love him. All he really needs is your support. I know it’s not easy, but do the best you can to be understanding. & continue to push him in the right direction so that he can find what he truly loves to do.

Good luck with everything!

— apricot.

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