“my mother’s relationship with her boyfriend is putting a strain on our relationship…”

dear apricot,

Last year my mom went through her second divorce. It was really rough for her and I was so proud of her when she got out of that relationship. She expressed a lot of concern about how she was going to be alone forever, and about how this divorce was it for her. But then a couple months later she had found ‘the one’ for her and everything changed.

Her new boyfriend seemed fine, and fine was a huge improvement over my step-dad, so I was thrilled for her. But as the months have gone on, her relationship seems to be getting strange and I’m really concerned. Her boyfriend lives in a different city so she’s burned through her savings by traveling between cities; she’s skipping work without notifying them, and has started to pull back from her friendships and her relationship with my siblings and I. She will rarely see us without her boyfriend being there, and when we do see her she looks like a starry eyed teenager – but not like our mom. She has stopped offering input into our lives and is changing her whole focus to be centered completely on him. Work, family, friends don’t matter to her any more.

I get that she feels like this is her new chance at love, but she’s unable to see basic things about him that have my family really frightened. He mentioned casually a few weeks ago that he can’t leave the country because he has a criminal record for flying into a rage and assaulting someone. He’s abandoning his business (and income) to come live with her – so she’ll be supporting him. She laughed about the assault charges and is praising his devotion to her in moving here.

On top of this she’s issued an ultimatum: accept him as family now, or she’ll withdraw from her relationships with us & will consider moving to his city permanently.

She’s acting like a 16 year old girl with her first boyfriend, only she’s pretending that she doesn’t stand to lose everything through what could be a third divorce. I don’t want to live her life for her, I just want her to be safe. I’ve tried talking to her but she’s said this isn’t up for debate, so he’s at all of our family gatherings and is all she wants to talk about.  In accommodating her new relationship all the time I feel like I’m giving her my blessing to go down a road that looks frightening to everyone other than her.

My question is: Is it okay to withdraw, or should I let her live her own life and just be along for the ride, wherever that goes?

— anonymous.

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Anonymous,

This is such a sticky situation. You want to protect your mom & you want her to be safe, but you also want to stand by your own personal values. It’s not easy to determine which one should come first. I completely understand what you’re going through.

To answer your question: I think it would be okay to withdraw. After all, this isn’t your battle to be fighting. Sort of putting yourself at a distance with this will protect YOU & the rest of your family from being seemingly dragged along the bumpy road of your mother’s choice in a lover. By distancing yourself, you’re not leaving her in the dust, though it may seem that way. You’re sort of allowing yourself the peace of knowing that it’s all in your mother’s hands, the good & the bad. She’d be doing this with or without you, either way. She’s made that quite clear. So I don’t know if there is anything left for you to do at this point, other than to let her make her choices & mistakes. Because, unfortunately, no matter how hard you try to knock some sense into your mother’s head, you don’t have the power to make her open her eyes. As the saying goes, You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Only your mother can be the one to see her boyfriend for who he really is; only she can be the one to make those changes.

I think it’s quite sad that your mother has made the ultimatum of “Accept him or else!” Now… I’m not saying that you should except this boyfriend of hers, per se; not at all. But I do think it would be really sad to see the relationship with your mother suffer more because of it. For instance, if you don’t “except him”, she’ll move in with him, away from you; your relationship with her will change drastically, & I don’t think you want that. You could try “accepting him” on your own terms. You can be cordial to him, so at least your mom knows on the surface that you’re doing your best to like him. Inside, though, your main focus should be your mom. The more you ruffle feathers — even if they’re meant to be ruffled — the more you’re pushing her farther & farther away, from her point of view. Does this make sense?

While I completely understand your worries & fears, your mother is a grown woman, & she can take of herself. This is not your battle to be fighting; it is hers. Even if you were to revolt, it wouldn’t make a difference. She is doing this with or without your help. So knowing that, & knowing how positively enveloped she is with this man, I think the best thing you can do is to continue to show her love & compassion, & try to be there for her the best way you can.

Also, this might go without saying, but I just have to say it: All of my advice flies out the window if you begin to see that this man is endangering your mother. Whether it be physically, emotionally, or verbally. If you start noticing a drastic change in your mother’s character, if you start seeing that she is putting up with crap from this man & making excuses about it, it might be time to step in. Not just you stepping in, but everyone else who is concerned & involved in this. Even get one of your step-dad’s in on it. Sort of like an intervention. But only if you start noticing that things are heading down the wrong path for her.

I hope this advice makes sense to you. It’s certainly easier said than done, but I know that you’ll find the peace you need eventually. Just have patience with your mother, continue to love her unconditionally, & be there for her when she needs you.

I wish you the best, & please know that you are not alone.

— apricot.

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