“he got some flirty text messages; should I be concerned?”

{photo courtesy of –nathan.}

dear apricot,

I recently started dating a fantastic guy. I absolutely adore him and he is enamored with me. He treats me like I am a princess, makes me feel like I am the only girl in the world. We are even talking future plans. We are beyond happy.

One problem: before we became exclusive we casually dated and slept together for a few months. During that time he “fooled around” with other people. We have been very honest and open with each other about everything. I don’t know any specifics, nor do I want to, but I do know who one of those girls was. I don’t know her personally, but I know what she looks like, what her names is, etc. (Thank you Facebook stalking!) She leaves my boyfriend messages and they are still friends.

Well, this morning I committed a major dating crime went through his text messages. (I know, I know, it was wrong and bad and horrible, but something just told me to.) It’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that I feel this need to protect myself and I need reassurance.

I saw a few text messages exchanged between them that bothered me. Some were sort of suggestive, including one where he implied he would love to work at a company in her home state (to which she replied “happy face”) and one where he sent her a picture of her (which he took with his phone last time he saw her a few weeks ago) with the text “miss you!”

My questions are: 1.) Should I be concerned about this flirty texting? Should I bring it up to him? 2.) He is going to visit her next month. Should I be worried? I need to know if I am being overly concerned, or if my worries are valid, and if/how I should discuss this with him.

— A Worried Girlfriend.

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Hi Worried Girlfriend,

To answer your question “Am I being overly-concerned?” Absolutely not! I think it’s only natural that you are feeling protective of yourself & your relationship. Especially if you’ve been in rocky, untrustworthy relationships in the past. I think I would be concerned if you WEREN’T a little nervous about the situation. By being concerned, you’re really expressing just how much you like this guy & how much you value your blossoming relationship with him. & that’s beautiful! Don’t kick yourself for having these feelings. Your worries are, indeed, valid. But how you deal with them is the main issue.

It seems as though you have two choices. You can 1.) bring these text messages, as well as your concerns, to his attention, OR 2.) you can ignore them & have faith that your relationship with him will be different than the rest. There are pros & cons to both choices…

If you bring up the text messages, you’re outwardly admitting that you were the Suspicious, Nosy Girlfriend & looked through his phone without him knowing it. Not only does this make you look bad — even if you were just doing some friendly browsing — but it also makes it seem like you don’t trust him at all. Then again, by bringing it to his attention, as well as discussing your concerns about him going out of town to see a girl friend of his, you’ll be able to get some answers from him, & most importantly, reassurance.

If you decide to ignore the fact that you snooped through his phone, it will potentially drive you mad. Every notification on his cell phone will cause you to think, “Is it her?” & when he goes on this trip, you’ll be beside yourself with worry & what ifs. You’ll want to know what he’s doing, but more specifically, what SHE is doing. You’ll be a mess. But then, of course, by ignoring the text messages you saw, & by hoping for the best & learning to trust him, you’re bound to be pleasantly surprised. You may find that you were being silly all along by letting your imagination run away with itself.

Each situation has its good points & bad, & it’s really up to you how you want to handle it.

I’ll tell you what I would personally do if I were in your situation (& I have been before):

I would ignore the fact that I saw the text messages. While they could be incriminating in the end, in my mind I would know that they were not my messages to see. They were his. By the way you describe the text messages, they do sound a little flirtatious. But I would also think that flirting isn’t necessarily a crime. It can be innocent (depending on the person). What truly matters is what comes from the flirting, & there’s a good chance that nothing ever will. Because, I would think that it’s obvious that this fellow is with ME, not with the girl he is text messaging back & forth, so that would silence a little part of my concerns.

Instead, I would sit down & have a conversation with him about his upcoming trip. I would tell him something along these lines: “I want to talk to you about something that has been bothering me. It’s going to sound completely silly & I’m kind of embarrassed to admit it, but I’m a little concerned about you going on this trip with (her name). Maybe it’s just me being a girl about things, but I can’t really seem to be OKAY with the idea. I’ve been hurt in the past by guys — I’ve been lied to, & I really value what you & I have together. I don’t want anything to jeopardize that.” It would be humiliating, but by expressing my true feelings on the matter, I would feel so much better having him know what I’m thinking. Because not only does this open up communication, it strengthens it.

By the way you describe this guy, I know that if you were to talk to him about his trip, he would be loving, kind, & reassuring to your concerns. Your feeling compelled to be honest with him about your feelings will move him, I think. Because most women tend to keep those feelings inside, while hoping for the worst so they can say, “I KNEW it! I shouldn’t have ever fallen for you! You’re just like the rest!”

By talking to him, you’re really showing him how much you value him & the relationship.

I wish you the best, & hope that you have no more sleepless nights over this.

— apricot.

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