“I’m 21 & have no friends; what gives?”

{photo courtesy of Lst1984.}

dear apricot,

I feel totally alone. See, the thing is I have no friends. Not one. No one to call at the end of the day to gossip with. No one to get dressed up and party with. No one to pour my heart out to. All my friends from high school I no longer talk to. Most of them went away to college and the rest are mothers or newly married.

It’s so depressing because I thought my life would be different than this. I’m only 21 and I feel like I’ve worked my life away. 21 and no friends?! That’s pitiful. Not to mention, I’m kind of shy.

What am I supposed to do, go out by myself and look for friends? That sounds even more pitiful. I mean, I’m a pretty cool chick and I love meeting all kinds of people. So, what gives?

— Friendless.

______________________________

Friendless,

I understand your plight. While some of us are lucky enough to have our high school friends remain in our lives after graduation, most of the time everyone parts ways & begins their own lives separate from past friendships. & that’s okay! Not all friendships are meant to last. It’s important to remember, too, that who you are in high school is completely different from who you are today, as an adult. Some of my greatest friendships ended simply because we outgrew each other, & there was nothing left to do but move on. There is nothing wrong with that; moving on from relationships is absolutely normal. & you should be able to do the same.

It seems as though your only option at this point is to go out there, be aggressive, & meet friends. Because expecting friends to suddenly flock to you is unrealistic. You have to go out there & find them. I know you say you’re shy, but the only way you’ll meet friends is if you just do it. Stop thinking that you are not worthy of friends & stop feeling sorry for yourself. (& I say this in the kindest way I know how.) I’ve been where you are right now. I’ve been the girl with no friends, pitying myself while saying, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me; guess I’ll go eat worms.” It’s so EASY to sit there feeling sorry for yourself, but truthfully, that doesn’t help anything. So brush yourself off, change your inner mantras, & start making change happen. It’s the only way, & I know you can do it!

One thing my mother always used to tell me when I started to sing the “I’ve got no friends!” blues was this: To be a friend, you have to be friendly. Quite possibly the simplest advice, but it holds so much truth. So start there; be friendly, be approachable, & be confident. Do little things to build your confidence. Strike up conversations with strangers; even if it’s to tell someone that you like their purse, or that you think their dog is adorable. Interact with people. If a cashier greets you with, “Hello, & how are you today?” ask how SHE is doing, as well. You’d be surprised at how helpful these small things are. They get you in the habit of being outwardly friendly. & if it doesn’t feel natural, fake it until you feel it. It’s good for you.

ways to make friends:

• Do you have any hobbies? See if you can find a group of people in your area that are interested in the same things as you. Meetup.com is a great place to start, & most of the activities are open to whomever wants to join them.
• Is there a class you’ve always wanted to take? French? Pottery? Guitar? Dance? The perfect place to meet new people is in a classroom setting. Check out courses you can take at your community college, or go to a nearby community center & see if they have any activities to enroll in.
• Join an online forum that involves a passion of yours.
• If you work, try chatting up some of your co-workers. Really get to know them, & perhaps arrange a time where you can meet outside of the office. People are often completely different when out of a professional environment, & you’d be surprised at how much you have in common with them. & if you don’t work, consider getting a part-time job to simply be around people.
• Volunteer your time somewhere. Be a mentor. Be a dog walker. Babysit. Read books to the elderly in convalescent homes. Friendships come in all shapes & sizes.
• Have a dog? Go to a dog park & chat up some other dog owners.
• Join a book club. Some of my sweetest friends have been met through a “book club” that was started from a friend of a friend. Not only does that immediately open up a discussion — you all have one common interest: a book — but your taste in books is bound to be broadened a bit. I know mine was.

&… ways to keep your friendships:

• Be a good great listener.
• Try not to compare your past friendships to your present ones.
• Never make promises you can’t keep.
• Be trustworthy, be honest, & be real.
• Remember birthdays, favorites, likes & dislikes, special anniversaries, & other significant calendar days.
• Be reliable; be there for your friends whenever they are in need of company or reassurance.
• Always keep your heart wide open to receive love & to give it to others.

There are many, many other ways to make & keep long lasting friendships. One of the easiest ways to make a friend is to simply say this: “Hello, my name is (your name), what’s yours?”

Just don’t give up hope! & remember: To be a friend, you have to friendly.

— apricot.

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