“how do you get over a guy?”
{photo courtesy of zebra.paperclip.}
dear apricot,
I met a guy the second semester of my freshman year in college this past year, and we became really close. He was completely compatible with me in every aspect and fit every standard imaginable of my “dream guy.” I live in Houston and he lives in Chicago. He ended up transferring and staying in his hometown, leaving us to communicate via phone and internet. However, we were never in a relationship. At the time when he offered, I declined because I thought a long distance relationship would not work. I became really attached to him being that he was my first kiss. I don’t want to say “love” but I really care about him.
Recently, the texts and phone calls have increasingly declined and I found out he seeing other girls. When I asked, he became extremely defensive and declined even though he was lying. I know I have to be fair about the situation because we were never in a relationship and we are in different states… but I really do care about him. Knowing that he is seeing other girls hurts me so much. What made it worse is that last week he told me “he loves me.” It gave me a glimmer of hope but also confused me because he is not doing anything to show it.
My question is: How do you get over a guy? I deleted his phone number and text messages… but I constantly check my phone. I still have him as a Face book friend, and I can’t bring myself to deleting him. Help, because this is hard and all new to me.
— Sharla
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Hi Sharla,
I think it’s great that you understand that having a “relationship” with this guy — even if it is from a distance — is going to hurt you in some way. & I have to commend you for wanting to get him out of your life. That is something that not most people see right away. Sometimes it takes a person years to see that the one their pining after has no interest in them.
The question “how do you get over a guy?” is such a loaded one. I definitely couldn’t sum up everything in an answer here (though I wish I could). Getting over a guy often takes a lot of time, & with that, healing. But there are basics to this process, & that is what I have to offer you.
So how do you get over a guy?
First, you must cut off all contact from him. That includes Facebook. Not knowing what he’s up to & not being able to “peek” into his life will help the healing progress. You definitely need to delete him from your life completely. When you start to feel yourself wanting to take glances at his life — through the addictive habit that is Facebook stalking — hold yourself back with all of your might. Ask yourself, “How is knowing what or how he is doing right now relevant in my life?” Chances are, you’ll answer with, “It isn’t.”
Second, remind yourself why it didn’t work out in the first place. We often forget about the way a person mistreated us, & focus only on the good times. I know that the realization of why your relationship ended hurts, but by remembering what went wrong, you’ll continue to understand that he wasn’t right for you. His “I love you” may have been genuine then, but it isn’t now. If he’s seeing other girls, how could he possibly love you? One thing’s for sure: You need to be with a guy who wants to be with you; who says “I love you” & means it. You deserve better, plain & simple.
Thirdly, find something else to occupy your time. Be it hanging out with your girlfriends, reading books, watching movies, exercising, or even getting back out in the dating scene again. Do something that will keep you active so that you don’t have any time to think about him, or glance at your cell phone, or go online to see what he’s doing. & when you feel your head swarming with incessant thoughts about him, go outside & take a walk. This simple activity can often clear your head.
But most importantly, don’t beat yourself up for still thinking about him. You cared about him a great deal & he was your first kiss, so it’s no wonder you’re having such a hard time getting over him… & that’s okay! Don’t rush the healing process & don’t worry if it’s not happening fast enough. It’s natural to feel compelled to think about someone still, just as long as you don’t go back to him.
If you need a more comprehensive & thorough guide of to how to get over your guy, try reading the book “It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken.“ While the book is geared towards people who were in true relationships — because you said you two were never technically committed — it has some great points that every woman should hear. It’s just a good book to have on hand, in general.
Also try the book “The Hell With Love“ which is a book of poems dedicated to love, loss, forgiveness (of yourself), & moving on.
Continue to stay strong, & remember that you are much better off without him, both as a friend & a potential lover.
— apricot.