“he hardly tells me that he loves me…”

{photo courtesy of two stout monks.}

dear apricot,

I have been with my boyfriend for the last 15 months. We have told each other that we love each other and have talked about having babies and getting married so it’s a pretty serious relationship. The one problem I have is that he hardly says he loves me. He says that it’s more special if he doesn’t say it so often. I love him so much and this makes me feel pretty self conscious, as I don’t know if he even means it when he says it. I wish he would tell me that I am beautiful more often, as well. He usually won’t say anything about what I’m wearing or that he likes what I’m wearing unless I ask him straight out “do I look okay?”

Is his not saying ‘I love you’ often normal? What could be stopping him from saying it? How do I — without sounding mean — tell him that it really hurts?

— Feeling A Little Unloved.

______________________________

Unloved,

There are a lot of guys who feel the same way as your boyfriend (I actually dated one), so your situation is not at all rare.

Most guys explain that they don’t like to say ‘I love you’ often because the phrase will be worn out, but what I really think is that they feel they could be perceived as less of a man if they’re constantly gushing about love.

There’s a chance, too, that your boyfriend feels a little shy about saying those three words to you. Maybe they hold a weight to them that he’s not quite ready to admit just yet, & maybe he’s still grasping the concept of love. Expressing your feelings for someone isn’t always easy. Whatever the reason, your boyfriend should know about your feelings. Not necessarily to persuade him to say ‘I love you’ more, but to make him understand that this is something that is extremely important to YOU.

You can simply tell him what you told me here: that you wish he said ‘I love you’ more often, because you love him so much & it truly hurts you when he doesn’t say it enough. Let him know that you’re not asking him to shout his affections for you from mountain tops, but you would appreciate it if he outwardly expressed his love for you more. No need to be mean or annoyed when you talk to him; just be honest & let your emotions provoke your words. If you can’t articulate these feelings to his face — because this is a bit of a sensitive subject — perhaps you could write him a letter. In the letter, you can really pour your heart out to him, & even touch on the subject that he doesn’t compliment you enough. He can read the letter when you’re not around, so that he’ll be able to grasp & react to it in private, & then you two can talk about it later.

Another suggestion: if the three words ‘I love you’ simply give him the willies, there are many other phrases he can use that will articulate his feelings without having to use the word ‘love’. He could say, “I adore you,” or “You are my heart,” or “I cherish you.” Suggest these phrases to him, & see if he feels more comfortable switching between them, so as not to wear them out.

There certainly ways around this dilemma, if you’re both willing to compromise & be patient with each other.

Take care.

— apricot.

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