“his female friends sleepover at his house!”

{photo courtesy of ancawonka.}

dear apricot,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 4 years and we have a pretty good relationship. However, we always seem to have reoccurring discussions about his house guest. Many of his friends are women. To my understanding many of the women are close childhood friends, friends from college, etc. The concern is that whenever they are coming to town or passing through, they always stay at his place. I do not know majority of these women and it makes me feel very uncomfortable that they stay at his home. I have voiced my concerns, but he said that if he didn’t offer his home then he would be turning his back on his friends. I have met a few and they seem very nice, but that does not excuse the fact that I do not want them staying at him home. I just think out of respect for me, he should ask them to make some other arrangements. We are planning to be married someday and I just want to address this now and not have to deal with this in the future. Am I wrong to feel this way?

— Uneasy Girlfriend.

______________________________

Tiffany,

No, you are not wrong to feel this way. I think any woman would be rather uncomfortable with the idea of her boyfriend’s female friends sleeping over at his house when they visit. & you’re right: out of respect for you, he should make the changes necessary to see that they sleep elsewhere, be it a hotel or another friend’s house.

You said you’ve talked to him before about this, & that his reasoning was that he would feel like a horrible friend if he didn’t let them stay over. I think it’s dire that you stress to him how much this bothers you. Sure, maybe you’ve said it all before, but he needs to know the severity of this situation — which he’s taking rather lightly. & him taking it lightly doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about you! It just means that he can’t read your mind & he probably doesn’t fully know the extent that this all bothers you.

If you haven’t already, use to some strong words to describe how you feel about this situation. (Because saying things like “it bothers me” or “I don’t like that” might not be getting to the core of the emotions you truly feel.) Let him know that you feel he is disrespecting you by having these women sleep over at his house, when they could easily sleep in a hotel. Tell him how uncomfortable & disturbed it makes you feel. Tell him how inappropriate this situation is for you, & how you find it a little insulting. Let him know that you love & trust him, but the idea of women sleeping over — regardless of them just being friends — really irks you. Also tell him that you don’t expect him to understand your reasons behind not wanting them to sleep over, but you hope that he will respect it even so.

Again, you’re basically saying the same thing you’ve always said… but with thought-provoking, emotion-inducing words that will surely make him understand where you are coming from.

I really hope this works for you, & I have a lot of optimism that it will.

— apricot.

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