“I want to give up on a friendship…”

{photo courtesy of dia.}

dear apricot,

I had been very, very close friends with a girl (I’ll call “L”) for over a year. She and her boyfriend started dating when she and I became friends. “L” is — or, was — a very sweet girl; very artistic, caring, trustworthy, etc. But over the course of the past six or so months, she has changed drastically. Suddenly, she became very bratty, arrogant, annoying, abusive and obnoxious. She began hitting her boyfriend — 0r slapping when he said the wrong thing — and even took to hitting me! She wasn’t hitting out of full-blown anger, but would slap me for saying things (in the face!), shove me, and continued even when I asked her to stop in a very serious tone. Our entire circle of friends cringed when she hit her boyfriend in public and watched in horror as she screamed at him over the most trivial things, and we all rolled our eyes when she attacked us as well.  Other friends made casual efforts to discuss her behavior with her, and she always seemed open to ideas, but never changed.

Now, I don’t even WANT to see her. I am now to the point where I don’t care and do not even want to make an effort.  Is it selfish of me to just give it up and not try to help her or do I have the right to feel this way?

— M.

______________________________

M,

Quite frankly, I don’t think you should continue to be friends with this girl if she is abusing you. Hitting you, shoving you, saying malicious things — that is definitely not appropriate behavior, & no one should be treated in that way. I think you’re making the right decision to “give up” on this friendship, & it is not a selfish decision by any means.

It’s been noble of you & your friends to try to help her change her ways, but understand that the only way she is going to change is if she changes herself. She has to WANT to change, & it sounds to me like she sees nothing wrong with treating others this way. It’s her prerogative, of course, but that doesn’t mean you have to take it. So I say you dump this friend of yours & don’t give her the time of day. & encourage your friends to do the same.

Perhaps easier said than done, but it most definitely needs to be done. The more you hang out with your friend, the more you’re giving her the “okay” to keep acting like this towards you. By telling her you’ve had enough, you’re actually standing up for yourself in the most courageous way possible. You owe it to yourself to have loving, respectful friends. & I think, in the end, your friend needs to know that her abusive behavior leads to losing friendships. Maybe then she will understand the severity of her actions.

— apricot.

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