“I’m never satisfied with the way I look…”

{photo courtesy of D’Arcy Norman.}

dear apricot,

I’m a seventeen year old girl and I’ve always been fit. I played lacrosse during high school, and did cross country summer camps, and as a result, I’ve always in decent shape. I’ve never been overweight or even close to it. My parents have always told me that I am special and beautiful, and my past boyfriends have told me the same.

HOWEVER, despite all that, I don’t think I have ever really, truly believed I was beautiful. That’s not to say I thought I was ugly or hideous, but I always, always felt like I can be skinnier, my face can clear up more, I should maybe get plastic surgery, my boobs can be bigger, I can be taller, etc. How do I fix this? It’s almost as if I look at myself with glasses that hides me. I can wear size zero, and yet I still feel the need to be skinnier and prettier. Please help.

— Lost.

______________________________

Lost,

Body confidence & feeling beautiful within your skin is something that all women struggle with, young & old. Feelings of inadequacies with our bodies never go away, but they certainly get easier with time, depending on how you choose to handle them. That said, I truly wish I could offer you a fool-proof solution to your troubles, but I am still learning to accept my own body. I couldn’t possibly solve something that I’m still trying to grasp myself, but I can offer some tips to make the process a little easier for you.

One thing I’ve learned over time is that the answer to the “how can I love my body” question truly starts & ends with you. It doesn’t matter what others say about you or how others perceive you. (For instance, your boyfriend or your parents telling you how gorgeous you are.) No one can convince you of your own beauty & charisma. YOU have to know it & believe it for yourself.

You asked how you can stop picking apart your imperfections, & with that I must ask you a rhetorical question: What would you do with a piece of hot coal in your hand? You would drop it, right? Well, you must do the same with all of these thoughts & feelings of distaste with your body: drop it, or, rather, STOP IT. Easier said than done, I know, but it’s the only way to break the habit.

Try doing a little exercise: sit down with a notebook & write all of the mean things you hear yourself say about your body. Really think about the conversations you have within yourself & write it all down. Now, look at your list, & instead of thinking about those mean words & sentences in terms of YOU, think about them in terms of someone else. Would you say those hurtful words to your very best friend? Would you say those terrible things to a stranger on the street? Most likely, no… you wouldn’t. When you put it in that perspective, you’ll see that you’re truly mistreating your own self & being almost like a bully. I guarantee that when you see those abusive thoughts physically on a piece of paper, there will be a part of your heart that says, “Enough.”

Acknowledging those harmful thought processes is the first step to change. Make a commitment to yourself that you will be nice to yourself. Because when someone walks up to you & says something rude to your face, you can easily walk away. But when YOU say something rude about yourself to yourself… you don’t have that option. You can’t walk away. So I think you’ll agree that it makes much sense for you to be nice to yourself. This is the body you’ll have for the rest of your life; you may as well treat it with respect & loving kindness.

Here are some book suggestions to get you on the right path to self-acceptance:

• The Body Sacred, by Dianne Sylvan
• Kiss My Tiara, by Susan Jane Gilman
• Body Outlaws, by Ophira Edut
• The Beauty Myth, by Naomi Wolf

If you happen to read one of these books, don’t expect your troubles to be completely over by the time you turn the last page. You will not feel beautiful every minute of every day you (none of us ever will!), but I guarantee that something inside of you will change; your thought processes, especially. & that is a positive step in the right direction.

Keep in mind that while I wish I could be the one to fix this for you, only YOU hold that power. It all starts with you. So believe in yourself, & believe that you can conquer these harmful thoughts. Most importantly, truly believe that you are beautiful. Because you are.

I wish you the best, from the bottom of my heart.

— apricot.

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