“my boyfriend & I have been through so much; can we work through it?”
{photo courtesy of Haley Bouchard.}
dear apricot,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. He is 28, broke, can hardly feed himself, and he doesn’t have his driver’s license. We have had a rocky relationship, which included verbal and physical abuse. About two years ago, we stopped having regular sex. I’ve been asking and practically begging for it. For 6 months he just didn’t say anything, then he admitted it was because of a medical issue. About 5 months ago, I got drunk and cheated on him because I was desperate for sex. About a month ago, he cheated on me. Now we are in this funk where neither of us know where to begin to fix it. Sex is still nonexistent. Only thing is, we have and still get along SO well, like best friends. I love and care for him, but I know our relationship is pretty much over. How do I break up with him and still be amicable? Or do you think we can work through this?
— J.J.
______________________________
J.J.,
You asked two questions in your letter, but I want to address the most important one first.
You asked “Do you think we can work through this?” but I think a better question would be should you work through this, because I have to be honest with you: your relationship sounds like a disaster. Verbal & physical abuse, cheating on both sides, problems with intimacy. These are all major issues, ones that are absolute deal breakers in most relationships. Truthfully, I think the smartest decision would be to cut off all ties from this guy, both as a friend & a lover.
You say that you both get along so well, & are best friends… & my first thought was, “What kind of best friend abuses & cheats on someone he cares about?” Yes, it’s true that you cheated on him first, & maybe his cheating was only to get back at you, but two wrongs certainly don’t make a right! & then of course there has been physical & verbal abuse in the past. With that, I have to ask: Why on earth would you continue to be with someone who did those horrible things to you? & if you two end up breaking up, why would you want to be amicable to someone who acted that way towards you? Because by choosing to be with him — be it as just friends or in a love relationship — you are indirectly telling him that how he’s treated you in the past is 100% okay with you, & that you don’t mind being his doormat.
So really ask yourself just why you want to be amicable, & don’t forget why this relationship is failing in the first place. Don’t forget the abuse & the cheating; don’t forget his harsh words & the way he’s treated you in the past. Yes, I’m sure you’ve had some wonderful moments together, but all of that pretty much flies out of the window once you acknowledge the verbal & physical abuse. You are worth too much as a person to be someone’s doormat, & that’s exactly what he’s doing to you. Don’t give him that right, & surely don’t give him the impression that his actions are acceptable. No one deserves to be treated the way he’s treated you; no one.
I truly wish you the best, in whatever you choose to do.
— apricot.