“my mother passed away from breast cancer…”

{photo courtesy of h.koppdelaney.}

dear apricot,

A couple of years ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, she received treatment, got better and then the cancer returned. This happened three times. Each time it would return, I died a little inside as I watched someone I love fight and be horribly defeated. I saw her suffer and eventually die.

It’s been three months since that happened and it feels like it was yesterday, but like it never happened. I sometimes think I’m waiting for her to return because there’s this huge hole in my life that can’t be filled. Throughout all this, I was diagnosed with depression, I did horrible in school, and have had suicidal thoughts (although I don’t think I’ll ever do it). I have a loving family, friends, and a boyfriend that are there for me, but I don’t know how to fix me. I am not happy; nothing truly makes me happy. Everything I used to love feels like a cheap thrill: art, fashion, learning, walking on a warm breezy night. I feel so lost and like I can’t get out of this black abyss. The worst part is, is that I don’t show anyone this part of me. I’m afraid that they might judge me. I always carry a facade of happiness when I’m miserable.

How can I be happy again?

— Lost in a Sea of Woes.

______________________________

Lost,

First of all, my deepest condolences to you about your mother.

What you went through is very severe & very traumatic, & I must say that I think it’s unfair for you to think that you should be perky & upbeat when your mother passed away only 3 months ago! Not to mention, you are dealing with some heavy emotions from depression. None of these things can go away over night. It’s going to take time — a lot of it — for you feel like yourself again. Also, while you feel it’s sad that the things you love no longer excite you (like fashion, for instance), look at it in a positive light. More than likely, it means that you have a stronger, deeper perspective of what life really is, & you recognize that material things are fleeting. Those kind of feelings are normal when you’re dealing with a loss, & you should embrace them! To have this kind of wisdom is a beautiful thing.

Now, I have to ask: have you truly allowed yourself to mourn your mother’s passing? Because it sounds to me like you haven’t really given yourself that time. Perhaps you think that showing that side of yourself to others will make you seem weak, but you need to mourn. Mourning allows healing to take place. Give yourself the permission to grieve, & tell yourself that it’s absolutely natural for you to do so. Don’t hold your emotions back, & don’t grieve alone. Painting an image of yourself as this happy-go-lucky girl is dishonest if that’s not the way you are truly feeling. You owe it to yourself — & to your loved ones — to show your true feelings. You never know: by YOU showing your genuine self, it might bring out truth in others. & with that, you’ll be able to grieve openly with your family members who can support you & comfort you.

If you haven’t already, I think you need to speak to someone you trust — a family member, your boyfriend, a best friend — about your feelings & about your depression. While you say you would never commit suicide, & that they’re just thoughts, I think it’s VERY important that you address the emotions that reside in you, to make sure they don’t overtake you. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking with people you actually know, perhaps you should look into going to therapy. Therapy has many benefits, not just dealing with the issues at hand.

As I was dealing with my anxiety & depression, I went to see a therapist, & it was the best decision I made in conjunction to battling anxiety on my own. Therapy was my safe haven; a place I could go to relinquish all of my worries & fears, & leave them in a safe space… that being the therapist’s office. Not only did we discuss my anxiety & depression (& ways to heal from it), we touched on self-esteem, body image, family issues, & past relationships I’ve had with others. In that sense, I was able to see that my troubles came from ALL angles, not just the most obvious ones. I strongly recommend that you seek some form of counseling. I know that it would make a world of difference in your life.

Another great resource that I — & many, many others — have found useful is Depressionforums.org. It’s an open forum where people from all over the world, from all walks of life & age groups, can discuss their emotions surrounding depression, anxiety, mental illness, & even eating disorders. It’s run by people who have been in your shoes, & they provide you with unbiased support & information for what you’re going through. If you don’t want to post your woes on the internet — which is perfectly understandable — you can view past forum discussions, which will leave you feeling comforted knowing that you are not alone.

Most importantly, I think one thing you must remember is this: Happiness is not a destination; it is a journey. Stay committed to that journey, & don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself all the time you need to mourn your loss & recuperate during your depression.

Take good care.

— apricot.

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