“I can’t stop wondering about my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend…”

dear apricot,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about eight months now and we’re quite happy together, but for some reason, I can’t help but let my insecurities get the best of me whenever I think about his ex-girlfriend. Early on in the relationship, my boyfriend told me that he wasn’t a virgin and that he met his ex-girlfriend on the internet. Although he was frank with me and meant well, it sparked a multitude of problems within our current relationship. I was raised in a very strict household growing up, and his confession clashed with my principles and expectations pretty badly. I love him so much, so I stayed with him to get over my concerns, but instead, I find myself thinking about what he did with his ex-girlfriend, how much he loved her, how intimate of a relationship they had, how they met, and more. I feel threatened by her. Once I try to answer another question, more insecurities pop up. I’ve been trying to suppress and ignore my emotions for the sake of my relationship, but it doesn’t help. A few times, I tried talking to my boyfriend about it, but instead he feels as if I’m initiating unnecessary drama between us. Other times, I couldn’t help but snoop to find out more about her, resulting in even more unhappiness.

Am I neurotic, jealous, insecure? Am I wrong to feel this way? I know for a fact that I’ve been wrestling with this problem for a while and it’s making me suffer internally. Am I compromising my expectations in a lover by staying with him? He started out as one of my very good guy friends and we have a lot of the same friends. This is also my first relationship. Recently, he sent me an ultimatum regarding my behavior.

What should I do? Should I try to get over my issue or walk away from the relationship?

— An Emotionally Distressed Girlfriend.

______________________________

Distressed,

It sounds to me like you’re dealing with old-fashioned curiosity. You want to know who this girl was, what kind of relationship she had with your boyfriend, & how intimate they were. This kind of curiosity is absolutely normal (& understandable). I think any woman would feel slightly threatened by their boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend; especially if they knew that their past relationship was very serious & intimate. But… curiosity isn’t always healthy.

Ultimately, you need to let this phantom ex-girlfriend go. Don’t let her have that kind of power over you & your relationship. & especially remember that your boyfriend is with you now. If he wanted it any other way, he most certainly wouldn’t be in this relationship with you. So let it go. Don’t pay any attention to your overactive imagination or your obsessive thoughts. Tell yourself that digging deeper, snooping, or asking incessant questions to your boyfriend about her will do more harm than good. Relax & enjoy the relationship you two have together. Make new memories, live in the present moment together, & focus on bettering your friendship with each other everyday. That is, if you WANT to stay together…

… Because you mentioned that knowing that your boyfriend isn’t a virgin is bothering you, & that it is “clashing with your principles.” I, personally, don’t think you should ever have to compromise your values for anyone; this includes your boyfriend. I think that having the same values & standards in common in a relationship is very important. With that said, if you feel like you two don’t have matching values, & that he might be expecting you to be intimate with him eventually — which you aren’t ready for — perhaps it’s a good idea if you guys broke up.

Have you talked to him about your feelings? Have you let him know that the fact that he’s not a virgin irks you? Obviously, this isn’t something he can take back. But maybe if you talk to him — if you haven’t already — you’ll get an idea of where his head is at with you, & whether or not he expects your relationship to be as intimate as well. Perhaps hearing it from his own mouth about how he views his relationship with you, as well as his decision to lose his virginity, will bring clarity to you & make you understand better. Because right now, in the midst of feeling stressed & unsure about his ex-girlfriend, you’re really just making assumptions about him. Give him a chance to explain himself, & go from there.

Most of all — & all my advice aside at the moment — I think it’s really important that you listen to your own heart. If it’s telling you to flea from this relationship, if you’re truly feeling uncomfortable because of his past choices, & if you cannot  look past it, even in spite of the love you feel for him… it might be best if you went your separate ways.

While giving you my two cents on the matter, my only hope is that I’ve gotten you thinking about some things. Because I really cannot tell you what to do or how to feel. You have to decide that for yourself.

Take good care.

— apricot.

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