“I’m worried about my boyfriend traveling with another girl…”

dear apricot,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and in those years we’ve been through quite a lot. Coming from a relationship in which I was cheated on to dating a guy that has a majority of female friends has been a hard transition and it has taken a lot for me to trust him. What has made it even harder has been that throughout our relationship, he has lied, gotten other girls numbers, hung out alone with other girls, and many other things, but he has never cheated. Through time and a break up, we have finally healed from all of this and are now at a much better place.

However, last night at dinner he informed me that a girl he has class with invited him on a trip to another city with her to help her work. The trip involves him flying out with her, helping her work, and then staying overnight. My immediate reaction was to get upset and mad that he would even consider going on an overnight trip with a girl that he barely knows. But he explained that the work would be helping him in his career and could be a step in the right direction for after college. Still, I’m leery. Should I just sit back and relax or is this a red flag to more bad news?

— A Travel Shy Girlfriend.

______________________________

Travel Shy,

First of all, congratulations! I think that more than anything, you need a pat on the back for all of the work it sounds like you have done in your relationship. To move from a relationship where you have been cheated on into one where your trust is abused, and to stick it out while you repair your relationship means that you are an exceptional couple- and that you are an exceptionally understanding girlfriend. At the same time, I am right there with you on being leery of this trip. I don’t think that this is a matter of your past sneaking up on you or your being distrustful of your boyfriend, I think this is a strange situation and that he’s putting you in a hard position.

What makes me unsure of this is how it could be helpful to his career. You say that she’s in a class with him- I could see why he would go if she’s a co-worker or supervisor, or if he was going to be attending a conference he’s been dying to go to, or if his travel expenses would be taken care of. But if she’s just someone in his class then I can’t see how the investment he has to make in terms of his time, the stress on your relationship, and the financial cost of travel balance out the experience of helping someone else with their work.

I know that some industries and projects require travel, but in my experience of my work, my husband’s work, and my friend’s work those projects really are few and far between. What could she have to work on that he can’t work on here if they’re in the same class? Something here doesn’t add up.

I see two possible scenarios here:

• Your boyfriend is trying to make nice with a someone who has made an inappropriate request. Doing someone else’s work for them is not a good way to show that you’re competent- it’s a good way to be taken advantage of. If this girl is a valuable contact, treating her as a professional mentor is the way to go- not rooming with her at the drop of a hat. He’ll learn twice as much at a lunch meeting with her than he will paying her favors, especially such big ones so quickly. If she really does need help and he wants to work on this project she can certainly break the work into pieces- maybe he could research for her while she’s out of town & then they could collaborate when she returns?
• Something is wrong. The list of things your boyfriend has done in the past are troubling and speak to a lack of strong boundaries. While you guys might be past that, I would be worried if there isn’t a clear line of logic between his going on this trip and receiving direct professional experience that is difficult to obtain another way.

My bottom line in all of these situations is talk to each other openly. These are very hard financial times, the investment he’s being asked to make is significant, and the payoff is unclear- if you’re uncomfortable about the trip it shouldn’t be hard to make a case for him to stay. At the same time I would listen to why he wants to go, and see if these reasons resonate with you. Maybe ask to meet this girl and have them both fill you in on the project. Knowing who she is and getting a read on her (and this project) yourself might help you to understand where both of them are coming from. If there’s nothing weird going on they should both be excited to bring you up to speed.There will always be other people & unforeseen events throwing roadblocks in our relationships. What’s important is that you two listen to each other’s concerns and that you come to the best solution you can together. If you feel strongly that this leads down a path you’ve been down with him before, he should respect that and understand that for all the work you’ve done on your trust & friendship with him, he can sacrifice a little too.

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