“I want my boyfriend to give me more attention in our relationship…”
dear apricot,
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and we have so much fun together. We go to university together and while I understand that he needs to focus on school, he can get so absorbed in it that I often feel like I’m the only one who’s wanting to spend time on our relationship. All I really want from him is just a little bit of excitement and willingness to see me between his classes when he can. I’ve been cheated on before so I don’t feel very secure with my boyfriend. When I try to tell him that, he tells me that there is nothing that he can do about it and “it’s all in your head.”
When I tell him that I’m insecure, he tells me that I don’t trust him enough but I need him to help me. When I’ve said that he tells me he doesn’t know how to help and getting sick and tired of hearing these things from me. I really want to start this relationship from the scratch but I’m afraid that I can’t because he will keep think of me as an insecure and jealous girlfriend who just wants his attention 24/7. Please help me, I really want this relationship to work out for us.
— Feeling Unsure.
______________________________
Unsure,
It can be hard enough for us to understand our own feelings, and when it comes to helping another person understand our insecurities sometimes it can feel like you’re speaking a different language. It’s also tough when the person you’re with hasn’t been through having their trust broken, so they can’t relate to how you’re still wounded from a previous relationship.
It seems to me that the main problem you’re running into is that you’re on two different pages. You’re talking about how you’re insecure because of what someone else did to you, and your boyfriend is saying that he’s never done anything to break your trust. While you’re concerned with your emotional well being as a whole and are reaching out for help, your boyfriend doesn’t see how he can help you in a practical way, since he hasn’t done anything to hurt you.
If you want to start from square one in your relationship you can- but you have to do it by yourself. Insecurity is something we learn when people in our lives demonstrate that they can’t be trusted, but being suspicious of someone who hasn’t broken your trust can really hurt a relationship. And worse, it can start you looking for reasons to pull back emotionally when there’s nothing wrong.
I’ve dealt with serious insecurity before, one of my ex-boyfriends cheated on me for 8 months of our two year long relationship. When I started dating again I had serious trust issues, but eventually I realized that my insecurity and jealousy wasn’t just an over active defense mechanism – it had become a habit.
Breaking habits you learn in previous relationships is hard, but you can be the positive girlfriend you want to be. Here are a few things to try to get you back on track:
- Throw away high volume, low impact communication & make a real impression. You say your boyfriend doesn’t want to hang out as much as you do, have you thought about how much you guys text message and IM versus being face to face? While you might not feel like you see him a lot, if you spend time texting or on IM throughout the day, and then want to see him between classes and after class, you’re not leaving a lot up to his imagination. Scale back on any communication via texting or IM that you can- that way when you are in touch it makes a big impact on him and you won’t feel like you’re always asking for attention.
- Don’t let yourself go there. This one is really hard, but don’t let your mind wander into negative or jealous territory. A good way to start this is any time you think something that’s jealous, think to yourself “That could be a crazy girlfriend thought! Is this about my boyfriend or is it about me feeling badly today?” Just the act of recognizing when your thoughts are unhealthy goes a long way towards stopping them.
- Make a between classes date. If this is something you want to have with your boy, make a date with him a couple times a week! Grab a coffee on a when your schedules match up or after classes are done for the day. If you can make it a standing date every week, that’s even better- then you don’t need to stress about planning it or worry about if you’ll see him. You just have something positive to look forward to.
Sometimes you and I are just…. girls. We want to feel loved and we want our partners to support us, but we can be vague and leave them confused about how they can even be helpful! The next time you feel insecure and like you want to talk about it with your boyfriend, tell him.
But instead of saying ”I feel insecure because my ex-cheated on me & I need you to help”, try saying “I was thinking about you today, and I definitely need you to kiss me.” In my experience both are true, and being close with my boy always makes me feel better.
— Kyla Roma
This amazing guest-advice comes from my dear friend, Kyla Roma, a Canadian Prairie girl, crafty lady, thrift shopping addict, puppy mama, & wife. Her adorable blog is at KylaRoma.com, & you can follow her twitter.
______________________________
Are you interested in guest-posting at Ask Apricot? If so, email me, telling me why you think you would make an amazing guest advice giver, & we’ll have a little chat!