dear apricot,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 months now, and it has been the best 4 months of my life. I’m so happy, and he makes sure I’m happy. There has been talk of wanting to move in together. We have never been closer, we are insanely happy. Do you think I should trust my gut and do it? Or wait a bit?

— A Scared/Excited Girlfriend.

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Dear Scared/Excited Girlfriend,

First of all, congratulations on your relationship.  From your note, it sounds like you are very happy and excited about your new partnership!  That is wonderful.  To start, I have a question for you, one that you mentioned yourself: should you wait a bit?  I think that’s a question worth answering: what is the rush?  Four months is still the very early stages of a relationship, and while it’s wonderful and exciting, it’s also very, very new.  I understand wanting to spend every second with your boyfriend because things are going so well.  If you can hold off for a bit, and really get to know one another, I’d urge you to do that.  If this is going to be a long-term relationship, you have time on your side.  Taking such a serious step early on can stop a good thing before it even gets started.  Still, I understand the desire to be with the person you love, so if you are convinced that moving in together is the right choice, I would urge you to consider a few things…

First, finances.  When you commit to sharing expenses with another person, it is imperative that you discuss money before you even consider moving in, because money is one of the most stressful issues between couples.  Are you ready to combine money, or at the very least have your spending and saving habits directly affect another person?  When you are single, and choose not to pay a bill, it only affects you and your credit; however, if you involve another person, it can affect their credit rating, living situation and access to utilities.  Make sure that you are both aware of the others spending/saving habits and views on paying bills.  Go beyond “Can we afford rent?” and discuss things like, “How are we going to split the food bill if one partner eats more than the other?” and “Are we going to have a joint account, or maintain separate accounts and pay bills together?”  Discuss what you both consider “essentials”: do one of you “need” cable with a million movie channels, while the other prefers to not have TV at all?  Does one person have a Whole Foods addiction, while the other gets groceries at Wal-Mart?  I would go as far as to suggest writing things down so that things are crystal-clear in a contract form.  Make a budget together.  I know it sounds very un-romantic, but these are the things that can cause serious issues between people if they aren’t worked out calmly prior to making a move.

Other things to consider may seem obvious, but contribute significantly to your overall happiness: is one person a clean freak, and the other not?  How will you split cooking and cleaning?  Where do you want to live?  Are your parents okay with this decision, or will there be family stress?  What about time alone or with other people?  One of the biggest struggles I’ve found in living with someone is making sure you have guidelines for what happens if one of you needs time to yourself (which is perfectly healthy and normal, by the way!).  Do you have time apart thanks to work schedules or other engagements?  Can you ask for that time if you need it–or can he–without anyone getting offended?  Are you in agreement with how many nights you or your boyfriend can spend away, with friends or family?  Time with others is really important, and I encourage couples who live together to make sure that they have a girls night, a sport to play or another interest to pursue.  Living with someone doesn’t mean that you completely forgo who you are outside of your relationship.  Finally, what are your expectations for moving in together?  Is this a pre-cursor to marriage?  Does this make your relationship more serious, or are you just living together and taking things day by day?

Finally, I would urge you, STRONGLY, to make sure you have a back up plan.  I know I sound horribly pessimistic, but I speak from experience: make sure that you have somewhere to go, some money tucked aside, and a plan if things turn sour.  Again, this is not romantic, but it is so, so important.  Living with someone is a blessing and a curse: it’s like one big, fun sleepover, but it’s also a window into people’s secrets, flaws and struggles and it can really make or break a relationship.  The last thing you want to do is pour your time, energy and financial resources into something that may not work.  Best of all, if it IS working well, and you know you’re going to make it, that money can go towards a fun vacation in a year or two.

All of these practical notions aside, moving in together is fun, whether you do it now or later.  Decorating, developing your own rituals, snuggling late into the night, and having your own space is such a fun, special step in a relationship.  Whether you decide to do it now or wait a few months, I wish you and your boyfriend the best and all the happiness in the world as you grow together!

xo,
Amy

This helpful guest-advice comes from my friend, Amy. When she isn’t teaching writing to middle school students, she’s doing it herself at her blog Just A Titch.  Amy also enjoys reading good books, seeing live music, being crafty and spending time with those she holds dear. You should follow her on Twitter.

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