“how can I avoid repeating my cheating past with my new beau?”
dear apricot,
I got out of a four year relationship about seven months ago. I went through a lot of stress and was unhappy. Sometimes I felt obligated to see him and eventually got bored with him. I would see him on a day to day basis, after college class, after work, and at times I felt that I couldn’t have any free time to myself let alone for friends and family. I got to the point where I lost my friends and felt like I was out of place, so, one day I met someone from class that wanted to casually and innocently to have lunch with me. I agreed and from there on, I found myself cheating. My ex found out, and still wanted to be with me. I refused, but continued the relationship with my ex. There was no desire for the other person, I just needed my space.
My question to you is, how can I avoid repeating my last mistake with the new guy I’m seeing?
We’ve been talking for about six weeks now. The difference is that it’s a long distance relationship. We don’t have a title yet, because we are still getting to know each other, and want to move a bit slower before rushing anything. We’re both looking for the same things and get along well. He did come to see me last weekend, and plans to fly in and see me again next weekend.
Please let me know what I can do to help create a potiential relationship on my behalf and and repeat my last.
— Cherry.
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Hi Cherry,
First of all, congratulations on finding a new guy to start getting to know! That is wonderful. From what you wrote about your previous relationship, one line really stood out to me: “I felt obligated to see him.” To me, that is a big red flag and warning sign—when you feel obligated, it means that the joy is gone from your relationship. Feeling like you’ve lost your friends and family as a result is never, ever healthy—a good relationship should enhance your life, not suck the joy and positivity out of other aspects of it.
That being said, I am a firm believer that cheating is never the best option, for you or for your partner. I would suggest starting with a renewed commitment to yourself and your new boyfriend that if you’re feeling unhappy you will take a break or break up before cheating. Not only will this strengthen your relationship, I believe that you’ll avoid the remorse that accompanies cheating.
As far as cheat-proofing your relationship, having a long-distance relationship is a double-edged sword. If he’s not around all the time, it’s unlikely you’ll feel suffocated by this relationship simply because you have less time together. On the other hand, there is less accountability if you did decided to cheat.
The bottom line is this: whether your boyfriend lives next door or across the country, holding on to YOU needs to be your priority. Make a list of all of the things that make you happy, outside of being in a relationship. Do them regularly. Take lots of time to be alone, with friends and family or pursuing interests that are important to you. If you’re starting to feel suffocated by the relationship, communication is key: tell your new guy that you need a weekend to yourself or to spend time with others. Instead of spending all your time online or on the phone with him, set a time limit so that you have time for other things. I think that many people have a difficult time asserting their need for time to themselves, but really, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. The issue is not needing time; the issue is communicating that need in a respectful way. Obviously, if your boyfriend cares for you and your well-being, he will honor and respect this need. I believe that healthy couples encourage one another to try new things and be the best version of themselves.
I hope this was helpful, and that you and the new guy continue to take things slow while getting to know one another. I think that if you’re clear about the sort of thing you’re looking for, and you hold on to who you are as a person, you will find a great relationship, with this person, or someone else.
Take care!
xo,
Amy
This helpful guest-advice comes from my friend, Amy. When she isn’t teaching writing to middle school students, she’s doing it herself at her blog Just A Titch. Amy also enjoys reading good books, seeing live music, being crafty and spending time with those she holds dear. You should follow her on Twitter.
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